Sweet Beans and Molasses

White Bread

2010-12-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure there are very few people who share my love of food. That doesn't necessarily mean I love every single piece of food that comes my way, but I do love the fact that there are so many different tastes and styles and variations! To start off my recipes, I've gone a little out of order already...oops. Mainly because my family had a need for these things. I have a feeling a few more variations will arise due to cravings ;)

The first recipe I decided to try out of the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook was the white bread recipe. My husband and I are lovers of bread. So much so that it was getting ridiculously expensive paying for our favorite bread in the amounts we were eating it. We love the way the Grandma Sycamore's Bread tasted...but since we like quality bread, this was taking out a pretty big chunk of the grocery money! Therefore, I wanted to try this first and hopefully be able to make a ton! (I have found out that we only have one bread pan in the process though...darn)

Since I tried quite a few things over Thanksgiving break, I also went ahead and did the first recipe in the Lion House Bakery Cookbook, which are the rolls. They have similar techniques and skills, so I figured I would talk about both.

Here are the things I have discovered:

1. When it says buttermilk OR milk...use buttermilk! It made a huge difference and it's very easy when you get powdered buttermilk. I used SACO Cultured Buttermilk Blend and it was perfect. It seems weird, but you just mix it with some water and it has instructions right on the container! It's a lot easier than getting liquid buttermilk, because if you're anything like me, you forget about stuff in your fridge and it goes bad before you use it...not fun!

2. For some reason, using a wooden spoon makes a big difference when mixing up bread ingredients, no matter what kind. I just use a normal one from Wal-Mart!

3. Practice your kneading skills! I have become much better at making bread since I've figured this out. If you don't know how, the cookbook say this "to knead dough, fold it over and push down with the heel of your hand. Turn the dough, fold, and push down again." If anything, fond out if any of your friends have ever worked at a bakery. My hubby worked at Great Harvest for quite a while so he helped me figure out the skills!

4. Don't be afraid to use less or more flour than the recipe calls for. It really depends on a lot of different things that a general recipe can't predict. For instance, the humidity is a huge factor, including elevation and temperature. So if you need more than it says to make that bread dough "smooth and elastic" then go for it!

5. One of the biggest things I've noticed that helps keep the bread moist and perfect in the preparation is adding a small amount of oil while it's going through the first rise. Pour it all around the sides of the bowl after you put in your kneaded bread, then turn over the dough until it's lightly covered in oil (I use veggie oil, but it should work with any kind like olive or canola). Then cover it and let it rise until it's doubled. I also choose to put the bowl into an oven where the temperature is controlled. It's not on, but it helps!

6. If you're in a dry environment, place a small bowl (oven-safe) in the oven while you're baking to keep in the moisture. You might also need to take it out sooner than the recipe says.

7. When it comes to rolls, feel free to use a pizza cutter to cut them out. It helps a lot because it moves very easily and is very sharp! You can use the bread knife after they are baked.

Hope that helps everyone in their bread making pursuits! Here are a few pictures of my accomplishments:

A couple loaves of bread...yum!

Lion House Rolls with butter brushed on top

My bread cut up...time for sandwiches!

Recipe Challenge

2010-12-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

I've wanted to start a recipe blog ever since I saw Julie and Julia. I have finally decided to convert my old blog into just that! I'll be starting with a cookbook that I've have some good experiences from so far, the Lion House Bakery cookbook.

I think I'll just start at the beginning with the rolls since Tim was the one that did them last time and they are the beginning to a lot of the recipes after that. I'm excited to try out new things and learn a lot! Growing up, I always loved trying new things in the kitchen, so I think now is the best time to start doing more of it. Now that I have my own lovely kitchen :)

I'll probably go through my Better Homes and Garden book next. If anyone has a recipe they would like me to try (or you just want me to make you something), let me know and I'll write about my experience! I'd love to have some guest experiences. Who knows, someday I'm sure my little Piglet will be helping me out! I'll hopefully start tomorrow with some rolls! Wish me luck :)

ENGAGED!!!

2008-11-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should tell everyone this story...

It all started long ago in a simple BYU ward. There was a girl and a guy. Except there was another chump and she started dating him. Blast... So the guy waited...and waited...and waited. He stayed by her side through thick and thin. Always wishing for more, but never sure if he would ever have it. The days went by. Then weeks. Then months. He was there through it all.

Then it happened. The chump broke her heart. He knew the day would come (or at least secretly wanted it to...). He hated to see her cry. He took care of her, fed her, made sure she was going to school. Drove her everywhere she needed to be. He gave her everything, and she loved his care. She spent every moment with him. She was healing. Best friends.

She loved the moments with him. Without him, life was not complete. But who was to say he wouldn't do the same as the others? Why would she want to put herself in this danger? Best to just stay...best friends. The days and weeks went by. He was always by her side. Loving her.

They become closer in friendship and trust. Slowly...slowly...realization came to her. He was perfect. Everything about him. But why couldn't she shake this awful fear? What should she do?

She turned to the Lord. Who else would have all the answers? He comforted her and told her everything was ok. If she didn't rush anything and she thought through every little thing she did, it would be amazing. She pondered on this for a long time. She could tell he loved her. Deep down he could see she loved him too.

He took a chance and feared the risk. He knew there was something there, but didn't know how she would react. He tried anyway. She got terrified. She backed away. He was hurt. Time went by...she couldn't stand the separation. How could she ever live without him? Was there any other way anymore? The answer was no. All this time and she finally had the answer. So now she took the chance. She was still scared, but she just remembered how she felt when she was not with him. He was scared, but he remembered how sure he has always been about her.

This started their life together. Trust grew in their hearts. Love grew strong as ever. Even though they had to be patient, they were now together; the way it should have been from the start. One day, he got down on his knee and asked a question that would change their lives: "Will you be my wife?" Her answer was, "Of course!"

The journey will be long. It be trying and hard. But most of all, it will be perfect and eternal.

(Fore more about these two lovebirds, check out timandjanae.blogspot.com)

Hello there!

2008-10-07T15:20:00.000-07:00

I should entitle this "boringness." Haha, look at me using a fake word. You know, I think I'm one of the few that would actually be justified in making up a word though. I know all the rules and patterns of the English language. Don't mess wit me!

Anyway, the point of this blog is tell to all my friends of my exciting adventures. Which is none. So you guys will just have to bear with me. At least I'm writing for you, right? =)

Here's the update: I had the opportunity to interview for two different internships this last month. I didn't get either of them, but I thought it was a really cool experience. The first one was a great job that didn't have enough schooling for yet, I just figured I would try since they weren't getting that many applicants. He did like me, so he told another person about me who looked at my resume and my editing test and actually called ME! I've never had that happen, so I was really excited. It turns out I interviewed really well and I had the right skills, but they went with someone with more experience. That was totally fine with me, because I know it's highly unlikely to get an internship at this point in the editing minor anyway. I felt cool.

Other than that, I do actually have a job with one of my professors. He is working on putting up a corpus of 300 million words of Old English. It's a tool to help linguists study the language, so I'm happy that I have a job helping with that. Plus, I get to choose my hours, I get to work at home, and he's a really cool guy. He's so excited about the work he's doing, so even though it is slightly mindless work, I am really interested in Corpus Linguistics now. Not enough to study it, but it seems cool. It gets me more excited to do the projects in his class.

I have been loving my classes, just for the record. I got a little behind recently with my Genealogy class without even realizing it, so that was a little frustrating, but now I will be paying more attention to those blackboard quizzes. My physical science class is pretty annoying because it's all reading...and the test questions are really frustrating because whoever is making them is not very clear. But oh well. I'll probably get a B in that class...grr. Other than those classes, my major classes are going great! It's fun to discuss things with Tim afterwords too, since he's a Linguistics major which is the exact same thing. He just has to have another language in the studying too. I only have to have a 200 level understanding of another language, which I did my freshman year, so I'm done with that!

So basically, I am getting smarter and smarter by the second! I do get pretty stressed sometimes, but I always find a way to figure it out eventually. You all know that. I love how I always find myself in the most absurd situations. I decided that it's because I really do ask for it. Even though I have a hard time remembering when I'm in the middle of a trial, I do regularly pray that I can learn for others. If I go through the most absurd things, I hope that means no one else will have to. In the long run, I am ok with that. As long as I can remember that, it makes everything that much easier.

GO COSMO!

2008-09-24T18:19:00.001-07:00

As requested...

2008-09-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'm basically the worst blogger that's ever existed. I'm ok with that. Although, I've found that people tend to hate you more and more as the months go by without a blog...therefore, I have decided to momentarily reverse said hatred so that it may be used for better purposes.

So...I figured I would update those of you who have asked me to post. Gosh...it's always hard to choose what to put in a blog. Here's my dilemma: I can be completely honest and you would be like "wow, she's kinda weird and I guess I didn't really want to know..." OR I can just lie and tell you I've been frolicking in fields of daffodils this whole time. I like to believe the second one is true. And since I'm the one writing the blog, I win!

Daffodils are pretty. I've found that if you add food coloring to the water you can change the colors. My favorite experiment was when I mixed all the colors together. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "well, wouldn't that just make them turn into that sick vomity color that no one likes?" Well guess again, doubter! I created rainbows! Isn't that splendid?

So not only was I frolicking in daffodils, but they were multicolored majesties! The rainbows were literally coming out of the flowers and into the sky!

That's the jist of my summer. I'm glad I told all of you. For more information, call me up and we can have a little chat. I will be happy to tell you more about my rainbow flowers and frolicking.

Taggity Tag

2008-05-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

1. What book have you read recently?

Scriptures, The Key to Midnight, Chronicles of Narnia

2. Given the chance, what special ability/power would you like to have?
I would like to be able to stop time (without growing older while time is stopped) so I can finish things in college and still have a life.

3. List two things you have eaten today:
Cheese
Hot Pocket

4. What's your favorite color? Why?
Royal blue...it's just happy looking

5. Where is the place you want to go the most?
A state of complete bliss, wherever that would be

6. Name two places you have lived:
1. White City, Oregon
2. Boise, Idaho

7. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Umm...of course! I have actually seen one! I know, crazy huh?

8. What would you do if you were a billionaire?
I would buy presents for everyone I know so I could see them smile.

9. Which type of person do you hate the most?
People who don't acknowledge others' feelings

10. What are two things on your to do list right now?
1. Find a job
2. Be social in my new ward

11. If you have a fault, would you rather the people around you point it out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
I would like them to warn me first, but I am constantly trying to improve, so I would want it pointed out to me. I've noticed I can't take it well if I'm in a very stressed/depressive state, but otherwise, I welcome criticism!

12. List two jobs you have had:
1. Charity Caller for BYU
2. Workshop rep for StoresOnline

13. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Heavenly Father's love for me

14. Is there anything that you have done which you regret?
I used to regret things, but honestly I hate to see it that way now. I try to see my mistakes as ways I have learned about myself and how I needed to improve in my life before I die.

15. Name two of your bad habits:
1. Sometimes when I am alone I'm not very productive (with cleaning mainly)
2. I get really grumpy when I'm tired

16. What are your feelings about the person who tagged you?
Well, I guess technically Weston tagged me and I think he's amazing! What a great guy!

17. Who do you Tag? Why?
I suppose any of my blog friends who haven't done it yet. Let's see...there's Rusty, Julie, Alan, Erica, Emily, Kasey, Amanda, and Lillian! Wow, that was a lot more than I thought!

"You're not normal..."

2008-04-18T02:05:00.000-07:00

I was having such a wonderful day today. Last night Rusty was so nice and talked to me even though he was probably terrified that he would have to hurt me. I just have to say, that meant a lot to me. Especially since I was able to feel completely fine about everything! I am still not sure if I really want to deal with liking anyone at this point, but I do feel great. So yay! I was even asked to dinner today...it's funny how you tend to go on thousands of dates when you're not even sure if you want to...oh well, it was fun and unexpected...so that made it cool.

Anyway, on to the scary part. I was sitting at my computer minding my own business when I got a call from the Neurologist office confirming my appointment for tomorrow. I had just finished talking to my Dad about paying over 400 dollars in medical bills and I was quite discouraged. I decided that since I felt fine I just wouldn't have the appointment tomorrow. Another 65 dollars for that was just not in my price range. The lady said that was fine and canceled my appointment. So that's it right?

Wrong. So wrong.

The Neurologist called me later. I could tell she sounded a little concerned. She said she noticed the receptionist had put down that I had canceled the appointment tomorrow and wondered if this was true. I explained to her my situation with money and that even my dad can't help me with all these costs since he has been out of work. She said she understood my situation, but unfortunately she felt she needed to call so she could tell me that neither of my tests came back normal.

I had to sit in shock for a second in response to that statement. How can anyone ever be prepared for someone to say that? Honestly, I never thought I would ever have to deal with a doctor telling me something like that. She told me that both tests showed things that I shouldn't ignore. Based on my current situation, I could...could...ignore the EEG one. It had spikes on the results...but not sharp spikes...so unless another episode happens, maybe it'll be ok...maybe. As for the Heart Monitor, that was another story. She had talked to the Cardiologist who reviewed my results. During the day that I had my monitor on, I wrote down two times when I got dizzy for no reason (they said to write it on a paper they provided so they could pinpoint things). When the Cardiologist looked at those specific times, it was apparent that something was wrong. A normal quick heart rate of someone is usually around 100 BPM. At those times, my heart was beating at 165 BPM. They don't know why this is happening because I was actually not doing anything at the time. Even when exercising, it is apparently hard to get to that rate.

The conclusion my doctor came to was that I cannot ignore the heart problem. I simply cannot avoid seeing a cardiologist. She told me they would call me tomorrow to set up the appointment. I was in complete shock after I got off the phone with her. Now I am just waiting for that call to come tomorrow. Please pray for me. I am scared.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna...

2008-04-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

I felt that I should blog. The only thing I could think of that was exciting enough for everyone to even have slight interest in (well, that I'm willing to post on my blog...) was going to the Festival of Colors! It was so fun! I have always loved other cultures and learning about religions and food and dances and music (hence my Anthropology minor) so this was like a party for me!

I have to admit, the throwing of colors was the highlight and the reason I went, but I was surprised at how amazing the other parts of the Festival were. The dancers were so talented...and the style was so different, I just couldn't stop watching them. The music was usually interesting, but the repetitiveness of it could get a little tiring. Overall, the cultural aspect was highly enlightening and I cannot wait to go again!

As for the throwing of the colors, I think I could have had a better time with that. This conclusion came from a couple different points: 1. We didn't know the 2 dollar bags were WAY BETTER in so many ways, so I would have preferred to get those...and 2. I got SO much chalk in my eyes!! Gabby and I threw the chalk at each other and naturally we both had our eyes open when that happened. We're pretty intelligent right? Well, she had a bright orange color, so it looked like my eyes were bleeding after that. I got scared for a second when I wiped away a tear, but all is well. It wasn't blood. Just dark orange wet chalk tears. Other than those things, I definitely do not regret the chalk throwing action. I loved how it made everyone's eye color stand out. I gotta say that was my favorite. But I love the symbolism that I got out of it too. Way cool.

Here are a couple fun pictures to show how Gabby and I really got each other (I had purple):

And here's where you can tell how much my eyes were watering...I didn't have any tears left:

Questions:

2008-03-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I really need your help here. If you will comment on anything, do it on this blog! I know these will seem like dumb questions, but I do want honest answers...

1. What are reasons for wanting to date someone?
2. How long should you know someone before "dating"?
3. What should you have to know before dating and what is acceptable to learn about them after you start dating?

News!!!

2008-03-19T09:19:00.001-07:00

I am definitely in a better mood. Still stressed, but better! I have come to the conclusion that I can deal with everything as long as I keep a positive attitude and remember the things I wrote down as my blessings. Plus, I seriously get more and more blessings every single day! I just have to keep my eyes open for them!

So just for an update, on Monday night I stayed up ALL NIGHT and I almost died. Don't ever do that. Especially if you're alone. I think I fell asleep a couple times (sshhh). I was supposed to do that for my EEG on Tuesday morning. So the morning rolls around (finally) and Jordan comes to bring me to my appointment (what a great home teacher!). We go to the hospital only to find the directions don't really make sense and we try to find the number for the place. I used the handy google texting to get the main number and finally, after some grumpy moments, we found the entrance. The test went well...I was able to sleep during it, but unfortunately it was only for about 15 minutes and I was mad that I had only that to make up for a whole night! The lady was nice though and I wasn't in a bad mood...so that was good.

The test got over at about 8:30 and the girl was nice enough to clean most of the goopy stuff out of my hair. After some deliberating, we found out my other appointment to get my heart monitor was not in the same building, but across the street. Bad planning from my neurologist. The funny thing is, I found out I'm pretty nice when I'm deliriously tired. But anyway, I got over to the other building after crossing the street in my interesting outfit (man-pants and a heavy coat...HOT). A nice old lady called me in and brought me to a room where she put on the monitor. She was SO cute. She told me I had to write stuff down throughout the day and to take it off the next morning around 9:30. Oh joy.

When I finally got out of the appointment around 9:35, I called up Jordan to see if he could pick me up even though it was so close to his class, but he said he really needed to go and to see if anyone else could do it. Of course I could find someone else, right? Well, I called a few more people only to get no answer or they were busy. Understandable, but what to do? I finally got a hold of Miguel, who doesn't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and he said he could come. In fact, he said "of course." Aww. I found out later that he had just woken up, which makes that even nicer. Anyway, I got out of there around 10:30...I was so relived t be home! Miguel stayed for a little bit and borrowed a couple of movies before going, and then I got ready to catch up on my sleep! I knew it wouldn't be that good because of the annoying THING attached to my chest, but I would have to make due.

After a few hours of sleep, I ate something and lazily watched some shows and talked with roommates and such. The rest of the day is kinda blurry in my memory, probably because I was so out of it...but around 9ish, I tried to get a hold of Emily to go to Del Taco, but to no avail. I was sad...until she said to me on google talk that she lost her phone. Then we were losers together and that made us both feel better. I then got a really nice text from Miguel that made me feel happy. Gabby went to WalMart with Nick and she got me "Enchanted" and I was SO excited! Then Miguel called me and we talked. It was really a good night. I ended up going to bed around 1am and I didn't really sleep that well so I told my boss I couldn't make it again. I am so groggy, but I'm happy too. Who would have thought?

ANYWAY, the reason I wanted to write this blog is because I might have figured out what I have. Sorry, I get so sidetracked. In my appointments, I was reminded that syncope (pronounced sink-oh-pee...haha) is another word for fainting, so I looked up "seizure-like syncope" on google and found something! It didn't explain the seizure-like symptoms I have, but it does sound right. What I found is called "Neurocardiogenic Syncope." If you're curious, type it in to google and have a grand time! It made sense, and I am relieved to find that it isn't serious.

Well, I think this blog is PLENTY long enough for anyone, so if you want to know anything else, just tell me and I'll write another one! I hope everyone is having a great day!

Sigh

2008-03-17T00:30:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me well know I hate to be unsure. I don't like dealing with the stress of not knowing what to do or feel about things. I constantly worry about whether I do things right.

Well, I'm in a complicated situation where I don't really know what to do with myself. I think I'm ok but then I second guess myself when something arises. I hate having to base my emotions on someone else. It's like that point where you should give more, but you can't because you're afraid of what will happen. If I give too much I could look like a fool. On the other hand, if I give too little I might lose it all. I hate hate hate this point!

Am I just too demanding? I just like to be around certain people, so I let them know. I don't mind if someone says they can't come to see me. I really don't. The only reason I invite anyone over is because I want them to know that they are welcome at any time. I want them to feel comfortable. Sometimes I think this invitation gets misunderstood and people assume I will be mad or upset if they don't come right that instant. I admit I am disappointed when someone says they can't come over when I invite them, but everyone gets a little down from that. I move on and figure out something else to do...I don't base my life upon whether someone can come entertain me. I hope everyone knows that.

So the next time I invite or ask you to do something or just to come over, I am not forcing you. I will not be mad at you if you refuse. I will only be sad for two seconds until I figure out something else to do. Please don't assume I would base any judgment on that. I love my friends dearly and the only thing I will admit guilt to is wanting to see them all the time. Isn't that natural?

Really wow!

2008-03-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things happen when you really don't expect them to. I had an event like that last night. Just...wow...

Wow More!

2008-03-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

Now I thought to even things out a little, I would put up the things that I am grateful for. The things I live for and the reasons I am all right at the end of every day.

1. Heavenly Father. I have never had to doubt His existence nor his love for me. Needless to say, I have been frustrated with what I have had to accept from Him, but my faith never wavered. I have always known He means the best for me. His guidance leads me in everything.

2. New friends. Without the friends I have made this new semester, I know I would not be as happy as I am now. I was at such a low point, I needed anyone to turn it around. Someone who could come in with no judgment. I got that and much much more!

3. Old friends. Even now that I have changed and become my own person, I can be sure that my old friends will be there for me. Even if I am not the person they used to know, they are supportive of me and they love me unconditionally.

4. Blessings. Having to deal with not having an LDS family while at BYU is really hard for me sometimes. Especially when I want so badly for my family to see how amazing the church is and how much it affects my life now. I keep thinking they will see, but I can never tell what they truly feel about it. When I think about blessings, I realize that one day I will be able to receive one from my Dad. I don't know how long it will be or even if it will be in this life, but I know that someday he will be able to hold the authority to give me a blessing. Knowing this makes me feel so amazing.

5. Music. Sometimes I listen to the radio. Sometimes it's Rascal Flatts. Sometimes it's Goo Goo Dolls. Sometimes it's Metallica (that's pretty rare, but you know those times...). Sometimes I throw in a little Colin Raye to honky tonk it up (I'll admit I actually have some of him in my library). Those are fun moments.

6. Love. As much as I resent it at the same time, I just want to say that I truly am grateful for love. If anything, I am grateful for the memories of love in my life.

Wow!

2008-03-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

You know that point where you have held in so much that the tiniest thing pushes you over the edge? Well, that happened to me on Wednesday. I had no idea it was coming; I didn't even know I was that stressed!

Well here's the story: I had to get my birth certificate sent to me from my Dad (he has it in a safe at my home) so my work could see it to prove I'm not illegal. Yeah, because I look illegal right? So I tried to ask him to send it over night because the lady wanted it in 2 days or she would fire me. He said it would cost over 16 dollars so I told him to fax it to me and see what would happen. I picked it up at the Info desk, laughed at my misspelled name, and went home. The next day, I brought in the copy to show the HR lady and the second she saw it she said it wouldn't work and she needed the original. Little did she know, I had spoken with Human Resources who said they should have been able to accept a copy (I found that they were wrong). When I tried to explain this to her I immediately started crying! I couldn't stop it because I had no idea it was coming, It's like standing peacefully on a beach when the Tsunami comes. I realized after the HR lady asked if I was ok that there were a lot of things wrong. I just hadn't sat myself down and really considered everything I was dealing with.

If I Start lesser to greater:
1) I have been having very very bad migraines that are literally making me throw up from the nausea they cause. I have missed a day and a half of work because of this. I think that's a little serious in itself, but alas, it's on the bottom.
2) All of my friends have moved on from me. This was a natural reaction to the serious relationship I was in, but it just wasn't the best thing when I needed to come back. As much as I understand why we aren't as close of friends anymore, it's still hard to accept that I am such a different person and that I need to organize my new life.
3) My dearest and longest friend is moving to Guatemala and I won't see her for a year.
4) My best friend is moving far away from me and I'm afraid I won't see him and I have been getting very upset lately every time I realize that he won't be in the same ward anymore.
5) I might have a disease that could make me really reconsider some things in life. I am very afraid of the tests. I need resolution on this issue at least to where I know how to fix it.
6) I need to find a place to live where I will be living with people I don't know in a ward full of people I have never met in my life.
7) My family. Enough said.
8) There is one main thing though. Unfortunately for everyone reading, I have chosen not to share this most important yet most stressful part of my life. I have approximated that it causes about 65% of my stress. If you can believe anything could be more stressful than the aforementioned things.

Bloggity Blog Blog

2008-03-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sick today so I figured I could write a little sumthin sumthin

Well, I'm just waiting around for someone to blog about Iowa, but my waiting has proven pointless! In my despair, I realized that I was doing the same thing! I haven't mentioned it at all! My reasoning is that I have no pictures of the trip because I allowed everyone else to handle that (which resulted in some not-so-flattering pictures of me) so I guess my blog will just be boring and texty. Actually, here's a picture for your enjoyment:

That picture brings back a fun memory of the trip...haha. Just so you can enjoy this as much as me, I'll write an attempt at the words that were spoken in the car:

"So Pizza King's pizza wasn't that bad..."
"But it's the rival!"
(After a few moments) Alan: "Guys....the word SUCKING is in Pizza King"
(Pause to think about it) "How do you think of things like that Alan?"
Alan: "I don't know, but it's true!"

So there you go. We laughed. A lot. It was wonderful. Now I can't hear the title of that place without thinking of the word SUCKING. Adam came up with a good spelling though: Pizzucking. It fits perfectly, don't you think?

But anyway, on to other news. I got my I Heart CB shirt! I've been wanting on for so long...you have no idea! I'm glad I got the color I wanted, I was really hoping it would be there. Of all the colors I saw on everyone, that one was my favorite. And I put "EANAJ" on the back. I'm pretty satisfied with the result.

Oh and back to the pizza thing...we were able to make pizza! It was great, and I now have pizza leftovers...which is pretty much one of the best things ever. I have always loved pizza, and to be able to have one all to myself was like a dream come true! Obviously I shared it when we cooked it later, but it was still cool to know it was my choice to share or not. Also, the actual making of the pizza was pretty great and I'm glad the group was able to do it. Fun fact I learned: braiding pizza crust is really fun, even for a perfectionist.

Now for the reason we made the trip: the Wedding!! Obviously I wasn't able to see the actual temple ceremony, but it was wonderful all the same. It really hit me to see Sara's family so emotional and understanding. I have always worried about how my Dad will feel when he can't see me actually get sealed to my husband. I have had the opportunity to tell him this, and he know it will be that way, but I don't know how much it will really affect him when the day comes. It was nice to know that her parents were actually supportive of the situation, and they actually seemed to feel the impact and importance of the temple. I loved every second.

The ring ceremony was beautiful as well. I think I was the only one who was really affected by it though. That's completely understandable because most everyone else had grown up knowing that the temple is the place to get married. For those of us who didn't, that ceremony is very dear. As a girl, I always pictured my wedding (as all girls do), and of course there was no temple, because I didn't know any better. I had these pictures of outside weddings, church weddings, etc. but they were always the traditional walking down the aisle "til death do you part" weddings. I love that I can now have an even better vision of marriage and companionship. The temple has created such an amazing new perspective for me. At the same time though, I have a hard time letting go of my dreams as a kid. So we'll see how that goes. Hopefully it will go as smoothly as Sara's, and I hope I will be able to make it special for my member friends too.

After the ceremony, there was a very fun reception. It had a sit-down dinner, Alan laughing so hard he cried, strawberry aliens, and the best part: dancing! We missed a little bit of it because we went to the store and decorated the car, but the bit we were there for was a blast! They had a lot of really fun music that everyone could get into! They played one slow song, which was really fun, but I'm glad they only did one, because that can get awkward and annoying if there are too many. Overall, it was really a great reception! Good job Sara!

Alrighty, I suppose that's all I can think of to talk about. I would say more things, but without the pictures, it's pointless to even mention. I'll leave that stuff up to the rest of the group! Don't let me down guys!

Another update!

2008-03-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I had my Neurologist appointment today. Very interesting. I'll put all the important things in a list:

1. I learned that Nguyen is pronounced "Win"
2. I might not have had seizures ever and I may have some disease
3. I don't remember the name of it because she said it once
4. I think she only said it once because I may have it and she didn't want me to Google it
5. I'm getting an EEG on March 18th
6. I think it's a good sign that they were ok with waiting that long
7. I have to have my heart monitored with some machine that I will carry around
8. My EEG appointment is going to be at 6:45am...eww
9. I have a HORRIBLE migraine that won't go away
10. I think I'll go to sleep now and maybe it'll go away

Ok that about sums it up! I think I'm ok other than the fact that I may have a rare hereditary disease. We'll see. I'm worried, but not as much as before. Good news? Meh.

Fill in for everyone

2008-03-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

Since I know how curious I get about everything, I thought I would tell everyone what happened yesterday. I suppose I'm also writing this because I am kind of scared.

Sunday morning I was getting ready for church. Sarah was curling my hair due to the fact that I am completely incapable of doing it myself. It was going well when all of a sudden I got very dizzy. I sat down on the floor to see if it would go away. It didn't, so I bent over so my head was lower than the rest of my body. Still didn't work, so I laid down on the floor. The next thing I knew, I was waking up to Sarah screaming my name in a slight panic.

Whitney witnessed the whole thing. Apparently I fell onto my side and started shaking. I shook for about 15 seconds and then stayed passed out for about one minute. Whitney called the paramedics and I just laid there in shock at what had just happened. I didn't know why it had happened. I couldn't think of any reason why it should. I got worried about everything that could have caused it and all of the things that would happen now. Luckily Christina was there to comfort me while everyone else was handling other stuff.

The paramedics came and checked the important vitals and made sure I was ok, then said we were going to the hospital. I made sure to change first and we headed down the stairs. I saw all of my roommates and my home teacher downstairs as we left and I got my stuff. We went to the ambulance outside and I got to ride in one for the first time. We got in, they strapped me down and told me they were putting in an IV. Another first. When the guy put it in, I felt a really warm feeling on my arm. I looked over and realized it was my blood...apparently the needle didn't "seal." I shuddered and looked away and his response to this was "don't like blood?" Um...no...not when it's MINE.

But anyway, we got the IV in, which wasn't even that bad compared to giving blood. But then I just laid in the bed thing and rode along while the guy called the hospital and got everything ready. We got to the hospital, I was wheeled in and moved to room #3. Two rooms away from where we were before. Most of the visit was waiting in the room, but the other parts consisted of paperwork and tests. All of which said I was completely normal. Even my blood sugar was fine.

I got confused by this because I have actually had seizures in the past. The first one was when I was 11, but they started happening regularly about when I was 13. The last one happened when I was 16. Five years ago! During these years, I was under A LOT of stress, very malnourished, and had been getting very little sleep. No comparison to my circumstances now. I have been stressed but really not that much, I have been eating healthy, and I have been getting plenty of sleep. I even started exercising!

Then why did this happen, you may ask? Well so far nobody knows. This morning I had a very stressful time getting an appointment with a neurologist so they might be able to figure it out. The doctor strongly recommended it to make sure there isn't something seriously wrong. It's weird because I'm my feelings are little conflicting on this issue. On one point, I love hearing that I'm all right. It's usually comforting to hear a doctor say "you're completely fine." The problem it that I'm not fine. So if I hear that, I will be more uncomfortable. Ever since I had the seizures years ago, I was always afraid there was something else, but I was comforted by the fact that there were such extreme circumstances and I could assume that was the cause. But now I'm searching for another reason. I mean, obviously I don't want it to be anything horrible, but I do want them to actually be able to find something. Something that can be found and is able to be fixed. Well, I'll keep you guys posted on the test results.

But on a lighter note, last night I lost my mind! I did something crazy and I don't know why! Yay for the excitements of life!

GAAH!

2008-02-26T10:18:00.000-08:00

Why am I so hungry?? I'm dying here! I think it's because I started running. I've never wanted breakfast before, and now all of a sudden I am starving in the morning. That's a good thing right? Honestly, if I am going to be exercising, I should probably make sure I eat plenty since I am so small to start with.

I really am starting to wonder what the deal is with my weight though. In the past month, I think I got so stressed, it finally affected my body. I lost 5 pounds in 3 days. That's not too bad for most, but when you're starting at 115, it can worry you. I realized at that point that I needed to fix something in my life. I talked to the Bishop and I got a blessing. Pretty much half of it was about how I need to protect my body and keep it healthy. I know it's very important right now. So I have started eating regularly and I have been running twice a week (soon will be 4 times, you can join if you want!). I weighed myself a couple weeks after I had gotten the blessing feeling good about myself, but I had lost 2 more pounds!! I really don't know what's going on. Unless I'm supposed to weigh this much...I've just always been comfortable at a steady weight...which I'm not holding right now. I think I need to figure out exactly what I am apparently so stressed about and fix it. I'm a little worried that what I have to do might cause trouble or just be scary to do, but if that means I can be healthy again and if that's what Heavenly Father wants me to do, I'll do it without a doubt.

Now that I've put up another sappy post, let's end it with a zing! I thought you would all like to know how McDonald's gets their hamburger:

Always inspect....

2008-02-26T09:15:00.000-08:00

I was just eating my cheetos at work because I forgot to get something for breakfast. I wasn't looking at them because I was looking at the computer reading the names of the people I'm calling. I think I ate something that wasn't a cheeto. Either that or it was REALLY burnt. Sick. I need to get this taste out of my mouth! BLEH!

Comics

2008-02-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

I decided that for my post today, I would share with you some funny comics I found. They made me happy. You should be happy too.

I thought this one was funny just because we were talking about that program just the other day. Ahhh....good times.

I don't know if you can read that one, but it's really funny. I do that all the time.

Hahahaha....I don't know why this made me laugh so much. I'm probably just immature.

That one is funny just because I've done the mentos and coke thing a lot. It's dear to my heart :)

I really want to try that now...this made me think we should all come up with a ridiculous presentation, walk into a class and try to show it. And we'll constantly say that phrase.

AND NOW MY FAVORITE:

BAHAHAHA!! I love it!

Well, I hope that brightened your day a bit! Have fun and keep laughing!

Yay!

2008-02-22T19:05:00.000-08:00

I got the largest paycheck I've ever received today. That was partly because 15 hours was left off of the last one, but I still felt pretty cool. I even got an extra sale I hadn't expected! It was wonderful.
Last week I had I decided that I would try to get my Dad to visit if I got a big paycheck, so I was really excited. I looked up some plane fares and found a really good deal for a round trip from Portland to Salt Lake City. The hotel was a little expensive, but still not too bad. I still had to make sure he could come at that time and we decided that it would be more convenient and about the same price if he drove. Convenient because he would have transportation while here, but I think it's very inconvenient to have to drive 11 hours both ways. We'll see how it pans out!
One thing I ask: Could everyone be super nice to him? I want him to see what the church can really be like and I want him to see why I love it so much. It's changed my life and I want him to understand. I especially want everyone to encourage him to go to church. Thanks!
Ok, I'll stop now because I have to go! I'll write more later!

Eh?

2008-02-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

Funny story:

I have found in the last month or so that every time I decide to try to be "interested" in a guy, one of my roommates pounces on the opportunity. It's like the second I mention anything about a guy I think might be cure or nice, they "notice" him and like him all of a sudden.

Let me elaborate.

First Instance: A while ago, I had a little thing for someone. I started talking to him regularly and I made sure I was noticed by him. I was doing really well. I thought I was almost to the point where he would ask me on a date because he would come over and talk to me and we would have really fun conversations. I decided to tell one of my roommates that I thought he was cute. Her reaction: "Yeah, he is! I think I'll ask him on a date!" After her attempt to ask him on a date (he was going out of town), she decides she has a "huge" crush on him and never noticed that I was the one who thought he was cute in the first place and had no idea how much I had invested in him. Meh.

Second Instance: I decided to like another guy that I had always noticed. I tell my roommates my reasoning behind my thoughts of liking. One got furiously mad at me for not noticing that everyone else liked him too, and that one in specific liked him more than the others (one who had been talking about a different guy). I was forced into confusion. They hadn't mentioned it to me, nor had they been talking to him at all. No one had made any move to try anything with the guy, which made me wonder why I "should have" noticed. Apparently I should know that someone likes a guy from their longing looks during Sacrament meeting or something. I'll try to be more observant. Meh again.

Third Instance: I decided that there was a guy in the ward who seemed very nice and I wanted to get to know him. I told my roommates this thought and that I had even asked about him from a close friend. They all agree that he seems nice and they approve. The next Sunday, one goes over and flirts with him. Then on Tuesday they invite him to see a movie with them (without telling me) and one decides she likes him a lot. Now, this one is a little different because I hadn't liked him yet, but it does follow the pattern. I mention, they pounce. Oh how fun.

Fourth Instance: This one is less pouncing...more like...I had no idea and now I feel bad. That kind of thing. I have been noticing a guy for a while in the ward. Obviously after I started dating someone I lost that interest, but now that I should be looking again I remembered him. Especially after we had a great conversation the other day. Since I had now recalled my initial interest, I decided to try again. I mentioned to my roommates (I know, you'd think I would have learned by now) that I like him. I always have fun talking to him and I have no problem being myself. I found out today that one of my roommates has just decided on Sunday that she really likes him. She hadn't seen him for months. There was no indication that she liked him at all. Now, I'm supposed to be the one who backs off? I don't know...

So there we go. It's even funnier when you remember the fact that this has all happened starting at about the middle of January. This drama reminds me of why I hate dating. I am always the bad person who should have known, even though they aren't even trying. My idea of getting a guy's attention actually involves getting the guy's attention. So, maybe the problem is just that I take a different approach. The good news is, one of my roommates is doing well with this approach again and I can figure out who she likes, but the others still baffle me. I don't want anyone to think I am mad about any of this. That's definitely the last thing that this is doing. It's more of an ironic situation that I thought others might get enjoyment out of. My life is a roller-coaster ride of drama! I hope you were entertained =)

shock

2008-02-19T09:52:00.000-08:00

If you read Becca's post for last night, you will know how I feel now. There are so many things right now, and I don't know how to handle everything at once. My brain just freaked out today I guess. I started crying today the minute I got on the bus to work and I haven't been able to properly get a hold of myself since. I feel bad for even being clocked in at work. I am unable to be productive under these circumstances.

At least I had a wonderful day yesterday. I still had my Sunday high of spirituality, I went to work to remind people of the workshops I scheduled them to, I played Ultimate (the highlight!) and I watched a movie in the theater with my FHE group. Everyting was so fun and I loved every minute of it. I guess today is supposed to even it out.

OH the JOY!

2008-02-15T21:25:00.000-08:00

I really want to write about happy things today. I've had too much talk about dating being dumb and the society having problems. Today, I will share with you something I was very happy about. Yesterday was the first time I have received something for Valentine's Day!

Funny story: I was on the phone with my dad explaining to him how I had never gotten flowers. I was just getting off the phone when I heard a knock at the door. I quickly said goodbye when my roommates started yelling my name. I got downstairs to find a plate of banana bread covered with foil with a hand-written poem and a carnation attached. I read the poem, which had a surprisingly interesting rhyme scheme, and I was pleasantly surprised at how cute it was. I looked at the flower and realized I needed to call my dad back to tell him I had almost lied to him. I have finally received a flower on my doorstep. Awwww.

After that, I found out that there was a group going to broom hockey from a nice message that was sent to me on facebook (oh the wonders of that website) and decided to attend. Little did I know that later, while we were there, MA (I use initials instead of full names...hopefully you can figure it out) would smash his face into the ice and cut his forehead open. I hurried along to the first aid with him and two others to make sure he was ok. They cleaned up his face (after we took some fun pictures) and they recommended going to the Emergency Room. We finished up the rest of the hour of broom hockey and headed home. I then decided to keep MA company with one of his roommates to the ER. That was a surprisingly fun experience. C and I joked around a lot while MA was busy with hospital stuff and I got to see some dermabond not work and witness some stitches being put it. Ewwww. After everything was done, we all fell asleep in our various locations in the room until the nurse finally realized she forgot about us. After the one minute of paperwork was done, we went home again.

I got into my apartment to find that something else had been brought to me. This time I had gotten a heart shaped box with chocolates in it and another flower! After not getting anything in the past, this was like a complete overload for me! I could tell from the handwriting that it was a different person than the one who had sent me the gift earlier. Unfortunately both were anonymous. I hadn't realized until yesterday how stressful it could be to get something anonymously! I am the type of person who wants to return favors, but now I can't! I was so sure of who the first person was until the guy I thought had sent it to me told his roommate to not let me think it was him. Obviously it could be him messing with my mind (which is highly probable considering the guy) but now I am second guessing myself. Well, I still think it was him, but I am now confused as to why he would not want me to think it was him. Oh well.

But overall, I had a good day. I thought it would be horrible, but it turned out to be amazing and exciting. I even ended up getting a sale today at work for a website that gets me $25 extra in my next paycheck! Yay!

The conclusion is this: To live a life of endless bliss, just find who you love through true love's kiss.

Such is Life

2008-02-14T09:50:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning looking forward to a new day full of surprises and happy thoughts. After a long night of online conversationing (which was complete insanity I must tell you) I was relatively tired. That does happens when you go to bed around 2am and have to get up at 7:30am. I was prepared for that. I was still happy. The chat was worth the tiredness I have today. I'm pretty sure I kept Gabby up with my laughing.

But anyway, back to the point: Today. I was positive and feeling good about myself. Work has been going well and I should be making a lot of money soon. I am very good at it and I can be successful. After beating the daily record for reschedules, I am pretty satisfied that I can be the best. I thought about how nice it was that I can be so confident. So I got on the bus to get to work only to realize that today is February 14th. As is socially acceptable in my situation, I sighed deeply and felt bad for myself.

This made me wonder: why did I just do that? Why must I feel upset on this day? Well, the simple social answer would be that I am single. Not only that, but I am still getting over being dumped. That puts a damper on things. But why would this particular day make it harder, you ask? Well honestly, there is no good reason why this day, February 14th, should make me feel any better or worse than November 18th or June 3rd would. Unfortunately, I have been raised in a society that tells me to be depressed on this day. So naturally, I followed suit with tradition.

After my deep thoughts on the bus, I finally got to work and signed into my computer. I get a friendly hello on my google chat from a pal that moved away last year. I was happy to hear that I could do him a favor. I gladly accepted the invitation to do service...only to find out that the deed was to order the flowers he needed to get for his girlfriend. As much as I loved doing that for someone else, I found it ironic that I have now ordered flowers for a different girl more than once without ever receiving flowers myself. At least I am an expert of the process now right? Well, this naturally saddened my poor heart according to tradition and I longed for flowers as any girl should.

By no means do I want anyone to think I am bitter, because I am far from that, but I did find it interesting today that I have felt the need to be more upset than normal. Isn't happiness a choice? Shouldn't I be able to choose to be happy today? For some reason it really is harder than most days to do such a simple action. It baffles me how much a society and traditions can affect a person. This makes me upset to know that other people are not coming to this same conclusion that I am and are really letting this get to them. Logically, I should not be more sad today in comparison to other days. Therefore, since I am logical in nature, I am not going to be. I will acknowledge the fact that people with a significant other can have an excuse to dote on each other, but I will not accept the tradition that single people should feel like poo.

I will be hopeful that something very happy could happen today. Either it will be just like any other Thursday, or perhaps it could be even better! Who knows what could happen? Every day is a surprise right? Well, let's just hope I don't become a Saint and get my heart ripped out...

Dating...

2008-02-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

I have come to remember how much I HATE dating. Not because of the fun activities and the rush of it all, but I forgot how annoying it is to have to get someone to like you. I forgot that it isn't easy. You have to be your best at all times, always look pretty, always be pleasant. It's quite tiring, I must say! Plus, any person who wants to date at all can't help but want to be the one that is "looked for." You want someone to like you. Preferably, of course, you hope that the person who likes you is the one that you like as well. But it isn't that easy. It only works out like that once...and then "it'll all be worth it." Ok, does anyone else cringe at that whenever someone says it to you? I mean, obviously it's true, and of course it will all be worth it eventually, but when you don't know how long it will be until it is all worth it, that phrase is really annoying.

At the same time, I do like the feeling of excitement when you get to that point where you *kinda* think that *maybe* the other person likes you back and everything is really awkward and funny and both people are flirting incessantly. That's fun...if it ends well. Unfortunately about 90% of my dating experiences in the past were not happy times. It seemed that I would always get the type of guy who would lead a girl on to believe he likes me just so he can completely ignore me one day or just obviously turn me down. I had always been baffled by the way I got treated. I didn't think I did anything wrong. I always reacted according to what they gave me; I just return whatever amount I can sense they are giving. I really am careful about it. Which is why I would constantly get hurt over and over again from these guys who were indecisive about their love life. I remember now how frustrated I would get.

I'm hoping that this time around it won't be like that. Maybe I'll get the type of guys that actually pay attention to their actions. That would be good. One thing I am grateful for the expeience with "Cannon" is that now I know that some guys can actually be aware of what they are doing and how they affect the girl. I really am hopeful for this dating period, but at the same time I am SO worried that it will be the same as before. Any thoughts?

Music and Messages

2008-02-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

So far I have heard a lot of music on the phone. A few were those new-fangled phone tones where instead of ringing, it plays a song. Then a coworker called my extention and played a song from his ipod into the receiver. That was weird...but it was a good song. I already wrote down one song and I'm planning on asking that one guy which song that was. Boy I love music.

I have to leave messages for people today. I feel so awkward leaving messages. I keep messing up or saying the same thing over again. Hopefully these people aren't judgmental. Luckily I have the advantage of a nice phone voice though. I've heard that from many people. So maybe they'll be so awed by my voice that they will call back just to hear it again. Yeah. That's what'll happen.

Work

2008-02-05T11:32:00.001-08:00

My job is interesting to me. I love it, but I dislike it at the same time.

I love it because I am really good at it. Sometimes they even cheer for me when I get in for the morning. I get pats on the back and congrats all the time from my bosses. It's great. I love it because the people are SO nice. I work with Sarah, which is already a plus, but then the others are really nice too (even though I'm sure they hate me by now...). I love it because I am making a lot of money since I'm good at it.

I dislike it because now I am expected to do amazingly well every day since they know it's possible now. I dislike it because now they're sending me the worst people on the hardest lists and expect the same results. Fortunately I have still been able to do it, but I worry that I will lose the touch someday and then I'll feel bad. I think I worry too much.

So it evens out. And so far even the bad things are kinda good. I've been working on this list this week that has lasted a couple days, and they keep sending me more lists! If they send me one once a day, I won't be done with these names for like 5 years. I'm one person! I got sent a list for Texas today that had 330 names on it! I usually call about 80 people on a good day. And that's when I get message machines for about 2/3 of them. I decided I don't want to do the math right now. I just hope they don't send me another one tomorrow :)

But it's good. I am prospering and I will be able to pay for school! Three cheers for financial security! Woot woot woot!

Wisdom...

2008-02-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

I was curious to look at the various things that the soliders in Mulan list as desirable qualities in women. When I looked at the list, I was happy. This is great:

1. Paler than the moon
2. Eyes that shine like stars
3. Marvels at his strength
4. Adores his battle scars
5. It doesn't matter what she wears or looks like as long as she cooks well
6. Thinks he has no faults and is a major find
7. Doesn't have a brain or speak her mind
8. Manly ways thrill her

Yes. That's it ladies. I think we can learn a lot from this.

In conclusion, we can also get a lot of wisdom from these words from the Lion King:
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba Sithi uhm ingonyama.

Clarification

2008-02-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

I'm sad to say I've made a mistake in generalizing. I have assumed the worst in people. The hardest part is, I didn't just do this to a random group of strangers, but I think I may have hurt the people I care about. The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt the feelings of anyone I come in contact with. So I feel that I should write this post for a little clarification to those whom I love.

I am not angry at anyone at all. Rather, I was frustrated with the situation. I may have made it sound like the other way and unfortunately there is plenty of evidence to prove that I did. I want to tell everyone now that it definitely came out wrong, and I am deeply sorry about that.

What I meant in the last post when I said I understood everyone meant just that. I do understand that this is the normal way for things to occur. No one can control the actions of others, and based on past experiences, I know why it happened this way. Now, the other part when I said I would choose differently I was referring to the fact that I commonly choose differently than most. When I later explain how I look at things in a different way, it was the same idea. I cannot help but see things in a completely contrasting perspective than most around me; just the same way that those around me cannot see mine. I would never hold that against anyone, and now that I have had a little time to think about it and have had some insight from others, I just wanted to tell everyone that I am sorry I made it sound that way.

On another note, I want to apologize to Alan for possibly making him vomit. This one could probably win a medal on the sickness level :)

Hmmm...

2008-01-31T18:35:00.000-08:00

So I guess I have officially been snubbed by everyone I knew. I didn't think those I was acquainted with would "choose" so easily. I suppose I should have known I would have to deal with this eventually, but I didn't think it would truly be this bad. On one hand, I am a very understanding person who cannot help but see the perspectives of those who are doing this to me. On the other hand, I know I would not deal with it the same way. When I have to choose whether to really hurt someone or not, why would I ever do the first? I guess should be used to things like this...I've dealt with this situation my entire life. No one looks at life the same way I do. I see it as a constant opportunity to help someone else. To trust, to love, to serve. When I see even a glimpse of that in others, I get so hopeful...Only to get that hope torn away from me and stomped into the ground. I've come to the conclusion that people will always choose sides. It's human nature. I've met very few people who will even come close to trying to fight that. There has been only one person in my life I've met who I thought could see the world through my eyes. One person who even if the worst happened could fight the odds and not worry about what the world thought. Unfortunately for my heart, that person failed to overcome the world just like everyone else. Someday there will be someone who can see what I see. Someday I will have friends who won't choose the world over me. Someday I will be truly happy and not have to worry about everyone hurting me over and over again. Someday there will be no worries. No unhappiness. No stress. No betrayal. I know that someday my feeble heart will be held carefully and not thrown around like a dog's playtoy. I still have hope. A hope that the little I have left can be worth something in the end.

Friends: A lot of semi-close ones or a few very close ones?

2008-01-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

I've pondered over that question and I have decided that I don't like either answer. What I truly want is both...put together. I would like to have a lot of very close friends. I suppose it might be too much to ask to have many close friends, but as I've been thinking about it, I don't see why that is necessarily an unreachable goal. Eventually, I know that being there for someone will pay off when I might be in need of friends. In the past month, I've been making some really hard decisions and unfortunately I had to deal with some very hard situations at the same time. During this time, I realized that I hadn't been there for a lot of people in my life. It made me vulnerable to so many problems that can cause anyone to go overboard. It was truly painful for me to see how negligent I had been to so many people around me, and now that I am so dependent on the love of others, I have found that the ones I thought I could depend on were actually the ones easy to lose. Then when I tried to go back to the friends I should have cherished all along, I find they are hurt from my lack of attention. I felt like I had done everything wrong and I was so lost. It is surprisingly hard to be in touch with Heavenly Father in situations like that, but fortunately He was practically yelling in my ears to get my attention and without Him, I don't know how I could have made it through as well as I have. Even now, I am constantly getting stressful things thrown at me that I don't expect, but as long as there is some perspective from Heavenly Father and a few close friends nearby, I'll get through soon enough.
Before I end though, I would just like to challenge everyone who reads this to notice those around you, and even though you may not understand their situations, please try. Maybe you'll get some perspective of your own.

Faux Pas

2008-01-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have officially decided that I hate worrying about the faux pas of our society. I declare as of now that I will not be controlled by them or worry about being judged or offended by what people think. There is no reason why my feelings should be hurt over something that is caused by the beliefs of society, but they are, and I think that is completely ridiculous. I hate having to govern my life according to what is "right" and "wrong" to everyone else. Shouldn't we all just be able to act according to what we feel is acceptable by Heavenly Father? Sometimes I feel like traditions or silly embarassments keep us from doing that. This needs to stop! We need to use our agency and do what we feel is right! If you want to be friends with someone, talk to them! If you love someone, tell them! Chances are, they need to hear it. I want to live my life according to Heavenly Father's will, and I feel like sometimes the societal "faux pas" keep me from being able to be happy about my choices. So the bottom line is: I'm frustrated.

ps...

2007-12-09T00:01:00.001-08:00

IT SNOWED ALL DAY!! WOOHOO!! Everyone should make snowmen!

December

2007-12-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

I can't decide whether I like rain or snow more. I heard it was going to snow today...and then it rained...and I thought "woe is me." I think that's bad. Therefore my conclusion for the day is that snow is better...at least in December.

I suddenly had a craving for Eggnog today. Do you think people have a greater affinity towards thick dairy products during the holiday season? Or maybe just weird concoctions of food. Fruitcake? Cheese rolls? Yams? Cranberry sauce? Stuffing? The list goes on and on my friend. Actually, I've found that a lot of food is strange. For instance, think about what we use to create the wonderful goodness known as cookies. Who ever thought of putting those things together? Was someone just bored one day and thought, "hey, I think flour, eggs, sugar, and chocolate would taste good together....oh and how about....this...and this....(the imaginary person is now randomly grabbing things out of cupboards)" I think that's how it went.

But be loved...Oh be loved...

2007-12-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I've been pondering on the issue of love. How do I know? I just do. There is a constant voice saying "I love you" almost every time I look at him. I can't stop the feeling, it's constant, everlasting.

So what do I do about it? That was a little harder to answer. I pondered and prayed but had no clue. I felt I should speak with a person of authority. Nope. A good conversation, but no answer was awaiting me. I moved on to preparing my lesson for last Sunday called "God Is Love." I prepared it about a week in advance and felt something was missing because it only talked about family and perfect parents. In my own life, I know this "perfect family" situation isn't always the case for everyone. I know they always say "well, just apply it to your future family!" Yeah well try to have a crappy one and try it yourself. It's not as easy as you may think. I mainly was bothered by this because I knew I couldn't get through to all of my peers with that, so I thought I might change it a bit.

I talked to a friend and got the idea to use the other kind of love to explain the issue. I looked up many articles on lds.org and I was fulfilled! The funny thing is, I didn't use that at all in my lesson, but it did change it somehow, I could feel it as I was teaching. But anyway, the point of this post was to share what I learned. I felt that since I was so frustrated by the topic and needed this, maybe everyone else could benefit! So, here are my favorite parts of the talks I read and felt better from:

President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) taught: “ ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”

"Many of us have the mote and beam problem (see Matt. 7:3–5)—that is, we can easily see the faults of others, but not our own. So before we start holding others up to scrutiny to see if they are worthy of us, maybe we ought to work first on becoming a “right person” for someone else. Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles offered this counsel: “If the choice is between reforming other Church members [including fiancés, spouses, and children] or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others—not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings.” Therefore, when we focus on finding the right person, we should also focus on becoming the right person for someone else. The strengths we bring to a marriage will undoubtedly contribute to the success of the marriage."

Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–1985) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist.” But he went on to add, “It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make.”

“Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.”

Elder Scott suggested several attributes of a potential spouse that will contribute to happiness in marriage: “a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.”

"...a righteous self-respect...might be defined as ‘belief in one’s own worth, worth to God, and worth to man."

Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.”

President McKay also said: “In our early youth, our environment is largely determined for us, but … in courtship and marriage we can modify, aye, can control to a very great extent, our environment. Morally speaking, we can carve the very atmosphere in which we live.”

"...the Book of Mormon teaches us that we can overcome these negative effects by having faith in the Lord, allowing ourselves to be taught by inspired leaders, learning the lessons of the scriptures, suffering in patience the afflictions that parents may have brought upon us, and repenting of any of the unrighteous habits and behaviors we may have picked up (see Mosiah 1:5; Alma 9:16–17; Alma 17:9, 15; Alma 25:6; Hel. 15:7)."

President Hinckley offered this counsel about timing: “I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don’t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.”

Here's a story I liked: “There are two things in my life that I’ve always felt would be important: a career and marriage. Yet at the time I didn’t feel like I was getting a response. I prayed, ‘Heavenly Father, this is so important, I need to know whether or not it’s right.’ Then toward the end of our courtship, I went to the temple. I was so frustrated because I wasn’t getting an answer either way. After praying and waiting for an answer, I got more frustrated and gave up. That was when an impression came to me: ‘You already know the answer.’ Then I realized that God had answered my prayers. The decision to marry Becky always made sense and felt right. I can see now that God had been telling me in my heart and in my mind that it was a good decision. And later, at the time of the ceremony, I had another confirmation that what I was doing was right.”

"Best friends who marry are likely to find joy and fulfillment together through all seasons of life. From the time of their courtships, such couples have learned how to give constant, conscious nourishment to their relationships."

Elder Scott’s counsel to recognize potential for growth: “I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.”