I was having such a wonderful day today. Last night Rusty was so nice and talked to me even though he was probably terrified that he would have to hurt me. I just have to say, that meant a lot to me. Especially since I was able to feel completely fine about everything! I am still not sure if I really want to deal with liking anyone at this point, but I do feel great. So yay! I was even asked to dinner today...it's funny how you tend to go on thousands of dates when you're not even sure if you want to...oh well, it was fun and unexpected...so that made it cool.
Anyway, on to the scary part. I was sitting at my computer minding my own business when I got a call from the Neurologist office confirming my appointment for tomorrow. I had just finished talking to my Dad about paying over 400 dollars in medical bills and I was quite discouraged. I decided that since I felt fine I just wouldn't have the appointment tomorrow. Another 65 dollars for that was just not in my price range. The lady said that was fine and canceled my appointment. So that's it right?
Wrong. So wrong.
The Neurologist called me later. I could tell she sounded a little concerned. She said she noticed the receptionist had put down that I had canceled the appointment tomorrow and wondered if this was true. I explained to her my situation with money and that even my dad can't help me with all these costs since he has been out of work. She said she understood my situation, but unfortunately she felt she needed to call so she could tell me that neither of my tests came back normal.
I had to sit in shock for a second in response to that statement. How can anyone ever be prepared for someone to say that? Honestly, I never thought I would ever have to deal with a doctor telling me something like that. She told me that both tests showed things that I shouldn't ignore. Based on my current situation, I could...could...ignore the EEG one. It had spikes on the results...but not sharp spikes...so unless another episode happens, maybe it'll be ok...maybe. As for the Heart Monitor, that was another story. She had talked to the Cardiologist who reviewed my results. During the day that I had my monitor on, I wrote down two times when I got dizzy for no reason (they said to write it on a paper they provided so they could pinpoint things). When the Cardiologist looked at those specific times, it was apparent that something was wrong. A normal quick heart rate of someone is usually around 100 BPM. At those times, my heart was beating at 165 BPM. They don't know why this is happening because I was actually not doing anything at the time. Even when exercising, it is apparently hard to get to that rate.
The conclusion my doctor came to was that I cannot ignore the heart problem. I simply cannot avoid seeing a cardiologist. She told me they would call me tomorrow to set up the appointment. I was in complete shock after I got off the phone with her. Now I am just waiting for that call to come tomorrow. Please pray for me. I am scared.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Hare Krishna Hare Krishna...
I felt that I should blog. The only thing I could think of that was exciting enough for everyone to even have slight interest in (well, that I'm willing to post on my blog...) was going to the Festival of Colors! It was so fun! I have always loved other cultures and learning about religions and food and dances and music (hence my Anthropology minor) so this was like a party for me!
I have to admit, the throwing of colors was the highlight and the reason I went, but I was surprised at how amazing the other parts of the Festival were. The dancers were so talented...and the style was so different, I just couldn't stop watching them. The music was usually interesting, but the repetitiveness of it could get a little tiring. Overall, the cultural aspect was highly enlightening and I cannot wait to go again!
As for the throwing of the colors, I think I could have had a better time with that. This conclusion came from a couple different points: 1. We didn't know the 2 dollar bags were WAY BETTER in so many ways, so I would have preferred to get those...and 2. I got SO much chalk in my eyes!! Gabby and I threw the chalk at each other and naturally we both had our eyes open when that happened. We're pretty intelligent right? Well, she had a bright orange color, so it looked like my eyes were bleeding after that. I got scared for a second when I wiped away a tear, but all is well. It wasn't blood. Just dark orange wet chalk tears. Other than those things, I definitely do not regret the chalk throwing action. I loved how it made everyone's eye color stand out. I gotta say that was my favorite. But I love the symbolism that I got out of it too. Way cool.
Here are a couple fun pictures to show how Gabby and I really got each other (I had purple):
And here's where you can tell how much my eyes were watering...I didn't have any tears left:
I have to admit, the throwing of colors was the highlight and the reason I went, but I was surprised at how amazing the other parts of the Festival were. The dancers were so talented...and the style was so different, I just couldn't stop watching them. The music was usually interesting, but the repetitiveness of it could get a little tiring. Overall, the cultural aspect was highly enlightening and I cannot wait to go again!
As for the throwing of the colors, I think I could have had a better time with that. This conclusion came from a couple different points: 1. We didn't know the 2 dollar bags were WAY BETTER in so many ways, so I would have preferred to get those...and 2. I got SO much chalk in my eyes!! Gabby and I threw the chalk at each other and naturally we both had our eyes open when that happened. We're pretty intelligent right? Well, she had a bright orange color, so it looked like my eyes were bleeding after that. I got scared for a second when I wiped away a tear, but all is well. It wasn't blood. Just dark orange wet chalk tears. Other than those things, I definitely do not regret the chalk throwing action. I loved how it made everyone's eye color stand out. I gotta say that was my favorite. But I love the symbolism that I got out of it too. Way cool.
Here are a couple fun pictures to show how Gabby and I really got each other (I had purple):
And here's where you can tell how much my eyes were watering...I didn't have any tears left:
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Questions:
Ok, so I really need your help here. If you will comment on anything, do it on this blog! I know these will seem like dumb questions, but I do want honest answers...
1. What are reasons for wanting to date someone?
2. How long should you know someone before "dating"?
3. What should you have to know before dating and what is acceptable to learn about them after you start dating?
1. What are reasons for wanting to date someone?
2. How long should you know someone before "dating"?
3. What should you have to know before dating and what is acceptable to learn about them after you start dating?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
News!!!
I am definitely in a better mood. Still stressed, but better! I have come to the conclusion that I can deal with everything as long as I keep a positive attitude and remember the things I wrote down as my blessings. Plus, I seriously get more and more blessings every single day! I just have to keep my eyes open for them!
So just for an update, on Monday night I stayed up ALL NIGHT and I almost died. Don't ever do that. Especially if you're alone. I think I fell asleep a couple times (sshhh). I was supposed to do that for my EEG on Tuesday morning. So the morning rolls around (finally) and Jordan comes to bring me to my appointment (what a great home teacher!). We go to the hospital only to find the directions don't really make sense and we try to find the number for the place. I used the handy google texting to get the main number and finally, after some grumpy moments, we found the entrance. The test went well...I was able to sleep during it, but unfortunately it was only for about 15 minutes and I was mad that I had only that to make up for a whole night! The lady was nice though and I wasn't in a bad mood...so that was good.
The test got over at about 8:30 and the girl was nice enough to clean most of the goopy stuff out of my hair. After some deliberating, we found out my other appointment to get my heart monitor was not in the same building, but across the street. Bad planning from my neurologist. The funny thing is, I found out I'm pretty nice when I'm deliriously tired. But anyway, I got over to the other building after crossing the street in my interesting outfit (man-pants and a heavy coat...HOT). A nice old lady called me in and brought me to a room where she put on the monitor. She was SO cute. She told me I had to write stuff down throughout the day and to take it off the next morning around 9:30. Oh joy.
When I finally got out of the appointment around 9:35, I called up Jordan to see if he could pick me up even though it was so close to his class, but he said he really needed to go and to see if anyone else could do it. Of course I could find someone else, right? Well, I called a few more people only to get no answer or they were busy. Understandable, but what to do? I finally got a hold of Miguel, who doesn't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and he said he could come. In fact, he said "of course." Aww. I found out later that he had just woken up, which makes that even nicer. Anyway, I got out of there around 10:30...I was so relived t be home! Miguel stayed for a little bit and borrowed a couple of movies before going, and then I got ready to catch up on my sleep! I knew it wouldn't be that good because of the annoying THING attached to my chest, but I would have to make due.
After a few hours of sleep, I ate something and lazily watched some shows and talked with roommates and such. The rest of the day is kinda blurry in my memory, probably because I was so out of it...but around 9ish, I tried to get a hold of Emily to go to Del Taco, but to no avail. I was sad...until she said to me on google talk that she lost her phone. Then we were losers together and that made us both feel better. I then got a really nice text from Miguel that made me feel happy. Gabby went to WalMart with Nick and she got me "Enchanted" and I was SO excited! Then Miguel called me and we talked. It was really a good night. I ended up going to bed around 1am and I didn't really sleep that well so I told my boss I couldn't make it again. I am so groggy, but I'm happy too. Who would have thought?
ANYWAY, the reason I wanted to write this blog is because I might have figured out what I have. Sorry, I get so sidetracked. In my appointments, I was reminded that syncope (pronounced sink-oh-pee...haha) is another word for fainting, so I looked up "seizure-like syncope" on google and found something! It didn't explain the seizure-like symptoms I have, but it does sound right. What I found is called "Neurocardiogenic Syncope." If you're curious, type it in to google and have a grand time! It made sense, and I am relieved to find that it isn't serious.
Well, I think this blog is PLENTY long enough for anyone, so if you want to know anything else, just tell me and I'll write another one! I hope everyone is having a great day!
So just for an update, on Monday night I stayed up ALL NIGHT and I almost died. Don't ever do that. Especially if you're alone. I think I fell asleep a couple times (sshhh). I was supposed to do that for my EEG on Tuesday morning. So the morning rolls around (finally) and Jordan comes to bring me to my appointment (what a great home teacher!). We go to the hospital only to find the directions don't really make sense and we try to find the number for the place. I used the handy google texting to get the main number and finally, after some grumpy moments, we found the entrance. The test went well...I was able to sleep during it, but unfortunately it was only for about 15 minutes and I was mad that I had only that to make up for a whole night! The lady was nice though and I wasn't in a bad mood...so that was good.
The test got over at about 8:30 and the girl was nice enough to clean most of the goopy stuff out of my hair. After some deliberating, we found out my other appointment to get my heart monitor was not in the same building, but across the street. Bad planning from my neurologist. The funny thing is, I found out I'm pretty nice when I'm deliriously tired. But anyway, I got over to the other building after crossing the street in my interesting outfit (man-pants and a heavy coat...HOT). A nice old lady called me in and brought me to a room where she put on the monitor. She was SO cute. She told me I had to write stuff down throughout the day and to take it off the next morning around 9:30. Oh joy.
When I finally got out of the appointment around 9:35, I called up Jordan to see if he could pick me up even though it was so close to his class, but he said he really needed to go and to see if anyone else could do it. Of course I could find someone else, right? Well, I called a few more people only to get no answer or they were busy. Understandable, but what to do? I finally got a hold of Miguel, who doesn't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and he said he could come. In fact, he said "of course." Aww. I found out later that he had just woken up, which makes that even nicer. Anyway, I got out of there around 10:30...I was so relived t be home! Miguel stayed for a little bit and borrowed a couple of movies before going, and then I got ready to catch up on my sleep! I knew it wouldn't be that good because of the annoying THING attached to my chest, but I would have to make due.
After a few hours of sleep, I ate something and lazily watched some shows and talked with roommates and such. The rest of the day is kinda blurry in my memory, probably because I was so out of it...but around 9ish, I tried to get a hold of Emily to go to Del Taco, but to no avail. I was sad...until she said to me on google talk that she lost her phone. Then we were losers together and that made us both feel better. I then got a really nice text from Miguel that made me feel happy. Gabby went to WalMart with Nick and she got me "Enchanted" and I was SO excited! Then Miguel called me and we talked. It was really a good night. I ended up going to bed around 1am and I didn't really sleep that well so I told my boss I couldn't make it again. I am so groggy, but I'm happy too. Who would have thought?
ANYWAY, the reason I wanted to write this blog is because I might have figured out what I have. Sorry, I get so sidetracked. In my appointments, I was reminded that syncope (pronounced sink-oh-pee...haha) is another word for fainting, so I looked up "seizure-like syncope" on google and found something! It didn't explain the seizure-like symptoms I have, but it does sound right. What I found is called "Neurocardiogenic Syncope." If you're curious, type it in to google and have a grand time! It made sense, and I am relieved to find that it isn't serious.
Well, I think this blog is PLENTY long enough for anyone, so if you want to know anything else, just tell me and I'll write another one! I hope everyone is having a great day!
Monday, March 17, 2008
*Sigh*
Those of you who know me well know I hate to be unsure. I don't like dealing with the stress of not knowing what to do or feel about things. I constantly worry about whether I do things right.
Well, I'm in a complicated situation where I don't really know what to do with myself. I think I'm ok but then I second guess myself when something arises. I hate having to base my emotions on someone else. It's like that point where you should give more, but you can't because you're afraid of what will happen. If I give too much I could look like a fool. On the other hand, if I give too little I might lose it all. I hate hate hate this point!
Am I just too demanding? I just like to be around certain people, so I let them know. I don't mind if someone says they can't come to see me. I really don't. The only reason I invite anyone over is because I want them to know that they are welcome at any time. I want them to feel comfortable. Sometimes I think this invitation gets misunderstood and people assume I will be mad or upset if they don't come right that instant. I admit I am disappointed when someone says they can't come over when I invite them, but everyone gets a little down from that. I move on and figure out something else to do...I don't base my life upon whether someone can come entertain me. I hope everyone knows that.
So the next time I invite or ask you to do something or just to come over, I am not forcing you. I will not be mad at you if you refuse. I will only be sad for two seconds until I figure out something else to do. Please don't assume I would base any judgment on that. I love my friends dearly and the only thing I will admit guilt to is wanting to see them all the time. Isn't that natural?
Well, I'm in a complicated situation where I don't really know what to do with myself. I think I'm ok but then I second guess myself when something arises. I hate having to base my emotions on someone else. It's like that point where you should give more, but you can't because you're afraid of what will happen. If I give too much I could look like a fool. On the other hand, if I give too little I might lose it all. I hate hate hate this point!
Am I just too demanding? I just like to be around certain people, so I let them know. I don't mind if someone says they can't come to see me. I really don't. The only reason I invite anyone over is because I want them to know that they are welcome at any time. I want them to feel comfortable. Sometimes I think this invitation gets misunderstood and people assume I will be mad or upset if they don't come right that instant. I admit I am disappointed when someone says they can't come over when I invite them, but everyone gets a little down from that. I move on and figure out something else to do...I don't base my life upon whether someone can come entertain me. I hope everyone knows that.
So the next time I invite or ask you to do something or just to come over, I am not forcing you. I will not be mad at you if you refuse. I will only be sad for two seconds until I figure out something else to do. Please don't assume I would base any judgment on that. I love my friends dearly and the only thing I will admit guilt to is wanting to see them all the time. Isn't that natural?
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Really wow!
Sometimes things happen when you really don't expect them to. I had an event like that last night. Just...wow...
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wow More!
Now I thought to even things out a little, I would put up the things that I am grateful for. The things I live for and the reasons I am all right at the end of every day.
1. Heavenly Father. I have never had to doubt His existence nor his love for me. Needless to say, I have been frustrated with what I have had to accept from Him, but my faith never wavered. I have always known He means the best for me. His guidance leads me in everything.
2. New friends. Without the friends I have made this new semester, I know I would not be as happy as I am now. I was at such a low point, I needed anyone to turn it around. Someone who could come in with no judgment. I got that and much much more!
3. Old friends. Even now that I have changed and become my own person, I can be sure that my old friends will be there for me. Even if I am not the person they used to know, they are supportive of me and they love me unconditionally.
4. Blessings. Having to deal with not having an LDS family while at BYU is really hard for me sometimes. Especially when I want so badly for my family to see how amazing the church is and how much it affects my life now. I keep thinking they will see, but I can never tell what they truly feel about it. When I think about blessings, I realize that one day I will be able to receive one from my Dad. I don't know how long it will be or even if it will be in this life, but I know that someday he will be able to hold the authority to give me a blessing. Knowing this makes me feel so amazing.
5. Music. Sometimes I listen to the radio. Sometimes it's Rascal Flatts. Sometimes it's Goo Goo Dolls. Sometimes it's Metallica (that's pretty rare, but you know those times...). Sometimes I throw in a little Colin Raye to honky tonk it up (I'll admit I actually have some of him in my library). Those are fun moments.
6. Love. As much as I resent it at the same time, I just want to say that I truly am grateful for love. If anything, I am grateful for the memories of love in my life.
1. Heavenly Father. I have never had to doubt His existence nor his love for me. Needless to say, I have been frustrated with what I have had to accept from Him, but my faith never wavered. I have always known He means the best for me. His guidance leads me in everything.
2. New friends. Without the friends I have made this new semester, I know I would not be as happy as I am now. I was at such a low point, I needed anyone to turn it around. Someone who could come in with no judgment. I got that and much much more!
3. Old friends. Even now that I have changed and become my own person, I can be sure that my old friends will be there for me. Even if I am not the person they used to know, they are supportive of me and they love me unconditionally.
4. Blessings. Having to deal with not having an LDS family while at BYU is really hard for me sometimes. Especially when I want so badly for my family to see how amazing the church is and how much it affects my life now. I keep thinking they will see, but I can never tell what they truly feel about it. When I think about blessings, I realize that one day I will be able to receive one from my Dad. I don't know how long it will be or even if it will be in this life, but I know that someday he will be able to hold the authority to give me a blessing. Knowing this makes me feel so amazing.
5. Music. Sometimes I listen to the radio. Sometimes it's Rascal Flatts. Sometimes it's Goo Goo Dolls. Sometimes it's Metallica (that's pretty rare, but you know those times...). Sometimes I throw in a little Colin Raye to honky tonk it up (I'll admit I actually have some of him in my library). Those are fun moments.
6. Love. As much as I resent it at the same time, I just want to say that I truly am grateful for love. If anything, I am grateful for the memories of love in my life.
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