Hmmm...

So I guess I have officially been snubbed by everyone I knew. I didn't think those I was acquainted with would "choose" so easily. I suppose I should have known I would have to deal with this eventually, but I didn't think it would truly be this bad. On one hand, I am a very understanding person who cannot help but see the perspectives of those who are doing this to me. On the other hand, I know I would not deal with it the same way. When I have to choose whether to really hurt someone or not, why would I ever do the first? I guess should be used to things like this...I've dealt with this situation my entire life. No one looks at life the same way I do. I see it as a constant opportunity to help someone else. To trust, to love, to serve. When I see even a glimpse of that in others, I get so hopeful...Only to get that hope torn away from me and stomped into the ground. I've come to the conclusion that people will always choose sides. It's human nature. I've met very few people who will even come close to trying to fight that. There has been only one person in my life I've met who I thought could see the world through my eyes. One person who even if the worst happened could fight the odds and not worry about what the world thought. Unfortunately for my heart, that person failed to overcome the world just like everyone else. Someday there will be someone who can see what I see. Someday I will have friends who won't choose the world over me. Someday I will be truly happy and not have to worry about everyone hurting me over and over again. Someday there will be no worries. No unhappiness. No stress. No betrayal. I know that someday my feeble heart will be held carefully and not thrown around like a dog's playtoy. I still have hope. A hope that the little I have left can be worth something in the end.

Friends: A lot of semi-close ones or a few very close ones?

I've pondered over that question and I have decided that I don't like either answer. What I truly want is both...put together. I would like to have a lot of very close friends. I suppose it might be too much to ask to have many close friends, but as I've been thinking about it, I don't see why that is necessarily an unreachable goal. Eventually, I know that being there for someone will pay off when I might be in need of friends. In the past month, I've been making some really hard decisions and unfortunately I had to deal with some very hard situations at the same time. During this time, I realized that I hadn't been there for a lot of people in my life. It made me vulnerable to so many problems that can cause anyone to go overboard. It was truly painful for me to see how negligent I had been to so many people around me, and now that I am so dependent on the love of others, I have found that the ones I thought I could depend on were actually the ones easy to lose. Then when I tried to go back to the friends I should have cherished all along, I find they are hurt from my lack of attention. I felt like I had done everything wrong and I was so lost. It is surprisingly hard to be in touch with Heavenly Father in situations like that, but fortunately He was practically yelling in my ears to get my attention and without Him, I don't know how I could have made it through as well as I have. Even now, I am constantly getting stressful things thrown at me that I don't expect, but as long as there is some perspective from Heavenly Father and a few close friends nearby, I'll get through soon enough.
Before I end though, I would just like to challenge everyone who reads this to notice those around you, and even though you may not understand their situations, please try. Maybe you'll get some perspective of your own.

Faux Pas

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have officially decided that I hate worrying about the faux pas of our society. I declare as of now that I will not be controlled by them or worry about being judged or offended by what people think. There is no reason why my feelings should be hurt over something that is caused by the beliefs of society, but they are, and I think that is completely ridiculous. I hate having to govern my life according to what is "right" and "wrong" to everyone else. Shouldn't we all just be able to act according to what we feel is acceptable by Heavenly Father? Sometimes I feel like traditions or silly embarassments keep us from doing that. This needs to stop! We need to use our agency and do what we feel is right! If you want to be friends with someone, talk to them! If you love someone, tell them! Chances are, they need to hear it. I want to live my life according to Heavenly Father's will, and I feel like sometimes the societal "faux pas" keep me from being able to be happy about my choices. So the bottom line is: I'm frustrated.